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The Pre-Engagement Checklist: 6 Topics You Can’t Skip With Your Partner

Take a look at the essential topics that you should cover with your SO when you’re on the brink of forever

August 09, 2024 | 5:33 PM // By Nishita Arora

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We don’t need a peer-reviewed research paper or relationship expert to remind us that clear communication is key to any healthy relationship. The need to communicate is even more prevalent if you’re on the cusp of taking the plunge and committing to each other forever.

Before you dive headfirst into the world of wedding planning (and we’ve got just the right resources for you right here and here) take a look at our checklist of crucial conversations you and your partner need to have. Trust us, these chats will pave the way for a resilient partnership that’s prepared to face any challenge – wedding planning included!

Things To Talk About With Your Partner Before Getting Married

Merging hearts and wallets

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Let’s face it – money talks are crucial, even if they make you squirm. It’s time to get financially frank. Share your money philosophies and listen without judgment.

“Finances are one of the primary reasons for divorces globally. It’s not just about money, but also power and control. When discussing finances, explore questions like: Were you a spender or a saver growing up? How do you approach major expenses?” says relationship coach Radhika Mohta,  “Some people want a destination wedding, while others prefer a court marriage to save for a house down payment. Understanding these perspectives is crucial because financial decisions reflect deeper values and can significantly impact your future together.”

Action Step: List your top three financial priorities individually (e.g., buying a home, travelling, starting a business) and then create a shared list together.

Climb that career ladder

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Where do you see yourself in five years? Share your professional dreams and discuss how you’ll support each other’s ambitions. Whether it’s aiming for the corner office or launching a creative venture, alignment on career goals is vital. After all, power couples are totally in vogue!

Senior couple and family therapist Yun Pang advises, “When discussing career aspirations and your relationship,  it’s crucial to address gender role expectations. Society often imposes career trajectories based on gender, which can influence major decisions. Challenge these assumptions together. Explore how you’ll support each other’s professional goals and what role traditional gender expectations will play in your relationship.”

Conversation Starter: What would be your dream job, and how can we work together to make it a reality?

Aligning your core beliefs

Couple making a heart
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Delve into your core beliefs about religion, politics, and family. Yun emphasises examining the foundation of your decision. “Ask yourselves: Why are we getting married, and what type of relationship do we envision? Is this decision genuinely yours, or influenced by family and societal pressures? Will you choose to be monogamous or non-monogamous? These considerations are particularly significant in contexts where societal expectations play a large role.”
Discuss how your upbringing has shaped these views and how they might influence your future together. The goal isn’t perfect alignment, but rather creating a shared understanding that honors both your values and your commitment to each other.

Action Step: List your top five non-negotiable values and compare.

Home sweet home: The in-law edition

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Talking about your future home – and who might be sharing it! Discuss your ideal living situation: cosy couple’s nest or extended family setup. This chat isn’t just about physical space; it’s about emotional boundaries too. Remember, you’re not just marrying your partner – you’re joining their family too!
“Think of your future home as a ‘third nest’ – it’s not just his or her family’s way, but your unique blend,” says Radhika Mohta, “This nest has its own rules, different from what either of you grew up with. When discussing living arrangements and values, consider your partner’s relationship with their primary caregiver – it often shapes their expectations. Remember, home isn’t always about a place; it’s about what you both value.”

Conversation Starter: “How do you envision our living situation concerning our families? Would you be comfortable living close to or with either set of parents?”

Mapping your parenthood path

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Whether you’re dreaming of a bustling household or prefer a child-free life, it’s essential to be on the same page. Discuss your thoughts on timing, parenting styles, and how you’ll nurture your relationship alongside any little (or fur) ones.

Consider discussing things like your ideal family size, views on adoption or fertility treatments, parenting philosophies and discipline styles, how you will balance childcare responsibilities, your plans for maintaining your relationship while parenting.

Remember, there’s no right answer. Just the one that feels right for you two!

Communicating through storms and sunshine

Relationship fighting
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Realistically, even the most perfect couples sometimes want to strangle each other. The key is knowing how to navigate conflicts constructively.
Yun emphasizes a strong foundation: “The basis of any healthy relationship is safety and trust. Ask yourself: Does my partner make me feel safe? Is there enough trust between us? Pay attention to boundary issues, signs of substance abuse, or hints of aggression and manipulation in sexual intimacy. These are crucial aspects of safety in a relationship, regardless of the couple’s gender or sexual orientation.”

Radhika Mohta suggests a practical approach. “Take a ‘stress test’ with your partner, but make it fun! Go on a trip together, attempt a challenging recipe, or dive into a strategy game. These activities show how you handle unexpected hiccups, work as a team, and navigate disagreements. It’s an engaging way to get a better look at each other and understand how you mesh when life throws curveballs.

Action Step: Establish your ‘fight rules’ – what’s off-limits during disagreements?

Couple holding hands

Bonus Round: While you’re having all these serious talks, don’t forget to sprinkle in some fun! Discuss your bucket list items, dream vacations, and the little things that make you both smile.

Yun advises, “Focus on being present with your partner. You can create meaningful experiences even in ordinary daily life. The key is to bring a sense of joy to your relationship and create a space for just the two of you, away from distractions like phones or too much family involvement.”

Action Step: Create a joint “relationship bucket list” with both big dreams (like travelling the world) and small joys (like trying every ice cream flavour at your local shop). Commit to checking off at least one item every month.
Remember, these conversations might feel challenging, but you’re laying the groundwork for a rock-solid marriage. It’s not about finding perfect alignment on every issue but about understanding each other’s perspectives, practising compromise, and ensuring you’re both paddling in the same direction.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Nishita Arora is a contributor to Manifest India.