Everything to know about the insidious dating practice…
If you’ve been navigating the choppy waters of modern-day dating, then there’s a good chance that you’ve been on the receiving end of the horrid practice of ghosting. As toxic as it is, there’s an updated version of the practice that’s been gaining traction online: Ghostlighting.
A portmanteau of ‘ghosting’ and ‘gaslighting’ (another manipulative relationship practice), ghostlighting is a dating trend that can be defined as a disappearance from a dating scenario only to resurface days, months or years later.
“Before understanding what ghostlighting is, we need to understand what ghosting is,” explains relationship coach Chetna Chakravarthy. “People often confuse ghosting with abandonment. Ghosting happens purely in a dating scenario, whereas cutting off communication in a relationship is defined as abandonment. Gaslighting on the other hand refers to when someone turns the table on you and blames you without admitting that they were wrong. Ghostlighting is a blend of these two. It indicates a weakness of character and that the other partner has taken the easier way out to escape the challenges that come with a relationship. It can also indicate a lack of maturity that a person is unable to handle and put his feelings forward”.
Here are a few signs of ghostlighting you should watch out for before it’s too late to regret.
Like the pendulum of a watch, the mind of the person about to ghostlight their potential partners oscillates between the feelings of having a fully committed relationship and seeking complete withdrawal. As their feelings remain largely confused one second they may kiss the floor their partner walks on and in the next moment completely remain indifferent to their presence.
“This kind of a toxic pattern is basically seen in an avoidant anxious attachment kind of a relationship,” says dating coach Arunav Gupta, “People behave in this way because they wish to attract selective aspects of being in a relationship without viewing or perceiving it as a whole. The thought of establishing intimacy sexual, physical or emotional may fascinate them, but they do not wish to be there for their partner when they need them as they are unwilling to put in the effort to nurture a relationship.”
“Avoidant people generally turn out to be ghostlighters because they fear nurturing the relationship will give rise to conflict which can be uncomfortable and emotionally difficult, says psychologist Dr Deepali Batra,” Moreover, they live in the fear of being hurt and emotionally violated which is why they prefer to avoid committing. But because deep down they are also emotionally needy, they often get caught in the loop where they end up returning to the person towards whom they had developed a connection.”
Conversations around money, commitment, and long-term plans are not a ghostlighters cup of tea. Because they are not serious about the person they are courting they try to avoid difficult conversations because it puts them in a spot. Secondly, they also avoid difficult conversations because they are not acceptable to make adjustments and shed the eccentricities that are needed to keep a relationship going.
“People with the intention of ghostlighting or ghosting their partners tend to avoid difficult conversations because it leads them to question their own thoughts and actions,”, says Chetna Chakravarthy, “They have a deeply inculcated sense of superiority complex and hence do not like to face confrontation which leads them to dodge or avoid difficult conversations.”
Ghosting or ghostlighting is a manifestation of a deep sense of narcissism. According to a study conducted by the International Journal of Psychology, the percentage of people facing ghosting or ghostlighting at the hands of narcissistic partners was comparatively on the higher side compared to those who did not have a feeling of superiority.
“The heightened sense of self-worth or what we call narcissism is often seen in Ghostlighters,” says, Arunav Gupta, “Ghostlighters, or ghosters, perceive adjustments and making compromises as an act of someone on the weaker side and hence due to the heightened sense of self-worth they remain indifferent to the other person’s feelings or thoughts.”
Whether it’s a casual dating scenario or an arranged marriage setup to settle down, staying indifferent to the little moments or remaining unaware of them is not a red flag. Honey, it’s a siren.
“A person in love will notice the best, the worst and the tiny things that set you apart from million others around”, says, Arunav Gupta, “If he/she remains indifferent and oblivious about the moments both of you spend together it means the partner is not emotionally invested in the relationship, which can later be problematic.”
While the thought of being ghostlighted by someone when you have just begun prioritising your self-care, burning the midnight oil for a promotion at your workplace or planning to go on a solo trip, can be terrifying, experts feel there are many reasons that influence this kind of behaviour.
The primary reason people tend to ghostlight their potential partners is because they fear commitment and responsibility. They usually tend to have a fear of being held accountable if anything goes wrong and thus do not want to commit to their crushes or potential partners.
“Although ghostlighting can have multiple reasons, the most common reason is that people who tend to ghostlight tend to view conflict and confrontation as a threat to their relationship which is natural to make a relationship work with their potential partner. So, they try to avoid it as much as they can”, says relationship expert Ronit Ranjan.
Just the way having a topographic map of a geographical place helps to navigate through the landscape easily, having clarity about the traits you want in your partner not just helps have clarity but also reduces the chances of having misunderstandings and helps set expectations and handle disappointments with grace when it comes to relationships or situationships.
“People generally Ghostlight primarily because they constantly search for perfect people. Today’s dating scenario has introduced us to umpteen options which at the same time presents a very hazy picture of the person we want to date that further broadens the scope of miscommunication,” says Arunav Gupta. “Here the ghostlighter needs to understand that the existence of perfection is a myth and is practically unattainable. There will always be someone better than their partner and themselves, it is these tiny imperfections that set people apart from each other. Secondly, the person ghostlighting their potential partner needs to have clarity about their thoughts, feelings and expectations to navigate the further course of the relationship.”
Trauma when left untreated can resurface in ugly ways and lead to physical, physiological and social problems. Of all the social problems, the inability to communicate feelings or thoughts may give rise to ghostlighting.
The minds of the people ghostlighting their partners are always occupied with the thoughts of disapproval and dismissal,” says Delhi-based relationship expert Arunav Gupta. “They have a deep ingrained fear of confrontation that may stem from past experiences or trauma or an extreme sense of lack of self-esteem that is mainly a by-product of abuse or identity crisis in the past which primarily influences this kind of behaviour”
During the dating scenario, people tend to pick up cues about their partner and once they get to know their emotional vulnerability, they may use ghostlighting as an aid to establish and gain control over the other person. This behaviour is generally a by-product of a sense of low self-esteem that has been ingrained in the minds of the ghostlighter.
“When people with low self-esteem want to feel great about themselves and be in charge of the conversation and the relationship, they may opt for Ghostlighting to gradually manipulate their partners over time”, says Chetna Chakravarthy. “While ghosting can happen primarily due to the fear of abandonment or loss where the person may fear losing their partner and cut off all ties to avoid disappointment, Ghostlighting is primarily done to have an upper hand in the equation prevailing between both the partners.”
Although this point may seem too good to be true, it does represent a meagre possibility in today’s modern-day relationship and dating scenario. Sometimes the partner may leave in need of some space and then reconcile with their partner in hopes of reviving the relationship.
“Yes, there are times when the partner might just leave because they do not wish to continue communicating with the one they had fallen for,” says Ronit Ranjan, “In such cases after spending some time in solitude and reflecting on their thoughts, the partner may return to their loved ones with the hopes of reviving their relationship and trying to establish a connect by making them aware of where they went wrong and what could have been done differently.”
Dealing with ghostlighting may seem like a very daunting task, but facing this hurdle may not be as difficult as it seems.
Transparency and communication enhance mutual respect, build trust, help dissolve older expectations and set new ones. Most importantly even if two people don’t end up in a relationship it opens doors for a healthy discussion.
“Relationships- serious or casual, deserve respect and transparency. A kind person doesn’t leave people confused or questioning their own reality. They communicate honestly, even when it’s uncomfortable and may seem unnecessary,” says Ronit Ranjan, “Communication apart from making way for a healthy closure also makes it easy for both the partners to move on without holding onto grudges”.
It is natural to experience a cocktail of emotions when your once crush stumbles back into your life like a festive season sale notification from one of your favourite shopping apps. It’s true the heart has a mind of its own, but in this very tricky situation, you need to get your brain to do the work and examine the situation from a third-person perspective.
“People need to be extremely pragmatic while communicating with a person who has ghosted them or is trying to Ghostlight them into believing it was their fault, ” says Arunav Gupta, “They need to be open to listen and examine both ends of the spectrum from a third person’s sight. Even if you are giving the person the benefit of the doubt, one should be mentally prepared to face a similar situation again.”
This is no surprise that self-love and self-care help you get through life’s toughest situations like breakups, miscarriages and even grey divorces. Moreover, it also spotlights your attention towards your mind and body and helps you make better-informed decisions especially when it comes to dealing with relationships and their complex and uncertain ways.
A block of pure gold can be twisted and made easily into jewellery but when it’s combined as an alloy with metals it becomes durable and moulding it is not as easy as it was earlier. Having a support system by your side whether it’s friends, family or even colleagues helps have a 360-degree view of situations and understand multiple viewpoints, inculcate empathy and enhance emotional intelligence.
Setting boundaries in a relationship scenario is doubly important when Ghostlighting is concerned because it helps to give oneself the time that is needed to assess the scope and validity of the equation prevailing between both partners.
The first step towards setting boundaries with a person who has been ghostlighting begins with questioning their actions”, says, Chetna Chakravarthy, “Compel them to earn your trust. Because here the person is showing that they are right now not ready to stand by you during your difficult times. Moreover, one should keep things cordial and simultaneously move and be mindful about the communication because any slight text message or just a simple hi by the victim may make way for intrusion into a person’s private space. Remain vigilant and then gradually communicate how you felt previously about them ghosting you and whether or not you wish to take this equation to the next step.”
Whether you are serious about the other person or just looking for a casual fling, every dating discussion deserves a healthy closure. Ghosting a person and then appearing suddenly out of the blue and expecting a person to reciprocate to your feelings or trying to establish a connection with the intention of gaining an upper hand in the equation is not OK. Ghostlighting shows an inability to express emotions and establish transparency that is needed to keep the spark alive.
So, the next time you receive a random text from someone who has disappeared from your life? Think through it thoroughly before making a decision.
Neha Karra is a junior writer, who loves to discover and try the latest trends in style, food and beauty. When she is not curating articles, you will find her playing with kids, reading books, painting and practising Mandala Art. View Profile
