While a manual for planning the perfect proposal sounds like a dream for some, many think it’s a red flag. Read on…
Another day, another seemingly harmless thing that has elicited a huge debate online. This time, it’s a video where a woman has shared a detailed instruction for a marriage proposal for her boyfriend.
In a reel posted by Dubai-based proposal planner Couture Proposal, a woman shares a document titled ‘Proposal <33333 (sic)’. The caption overlaid on top says “When you want to get engaged but need to make sure he does it right”. The unnamed woman had created a detailed cheat sheet for her partner so that he knew exactly what she wanted.
The document contains eight sections, each one breaking down different elements of her dream proposal. There were the obvious pointers for where she’d want it done (“Ideally outside of the US”), the ring (she left the choice up to him but added a reminder that she’s a “gold jewellery girlie”), and the fact that she wants it to be private and not in a public space. Then there were the specifics, like how she wanted a photographer in place (hiding from her sight, of course) and a party to celebrate the proposal (she also added that she would like an afterparty with just the two of them). She also advised him to hire a proposal planner to handle it all for him.
While some lauded her for laying down her guidelines clearly for, who could very well be, her hapless boyfriend, many criticised her obsessive need to dictate what should be a heartfelt moment. “Pardon me for being a Debbie downer, but sometimes you need to trust the process. No need for the list and stuff. Let your man listen to what you want and let him propose it his way. It’ll be more special that way. Everything don’t have to be all scripted and structured. Love is just a flow. Placing so much expectations are an invitation to disappointment (sic),” commented one user on the post, while another wrote, “Some women want to get married. Some women just want a wedding. This one is the latter.” Adilea de Sa, founder of the proposal planning brand Table Number Seven, wants people on the Internet to calm down. “The list is cute and all but the majority of the planning is still pending. The element of surprise is also what makes a proposal and that is something that this document can’t provide,” she says.
Much like many things we see online these days, this is not a black-or-white situation. What might work for you, could not work for your neighbour. “The reactions to such lists could be quite diverse, and it is important to approach this topic with a balanced perspective, recognising both the positive and negative aspects,” cautions Delhi-based psychologist and couples therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo.
According to her, there are several positive aspects to outlining your expectations this clearly. “This shows a level of self-awareness and clarity. People who take the time to articulate their needs usually, have a better understanding of their values and what they seek in a partner. This clarity could lead to healthier relationship dynamics.” Proposal planning expert Adilea also agrees with this as she says, “Some girls always dream of their proposal so this is completely understandable, this is someone who has actually made a document with some of the elements that go into a proposal vs a girl who maybe dropped hints all along in her relationship of what she truly wants.”
Aside from self-awareness, the proposal cheat sheet can also open up communication channels and conversations about boundaries. “It can let you define what you are and are not willing to accept in a relationship, promoting healthier dynamics. Boundaries are important for making certain that both partners feel respected and valued,” says Shivani.
On the flip side, she thinks if your potential list has a bunch of unrealistic or excessively high demands from your partner, it may create unnecessary pressure on them and create friction. She also claims that the list can be emblematic of a power imbalance in a relationship. “An exclusive list can sometimes form a power dynamic where one partner feels as though they should repeatedly strive to meet the other’s expectations. This imbalance could lead to feelings of inadequacy or resentment, which perhaps be damaging to emotional intimacy.”
If you’re dealing with a scenario like this, whether you’re the proposer or the person putting together the list, there are some ways you can navigate the situation with ease. The first, to nobody’s surprise, is open and clear communication. “Open communication will always help both individuals understand each other’s perspectives and the motivations behind the requirements,” says Shivani. Then there’s the understanding of what could have motivated these demands. “The person presenting the list must reflect on why these requirements are important. Understanding the underlying motivations could provide insight into personal values and experiences that have shaped their expectations.”
The couple should ideally be able to meet in the middle with their expectations and requirements with flexibility since you are (at the end of the day) talking about building a life together!
What do you think of the proposal cheat sheet?
Salva Mubarak is the Digital Editor of Manifest. In her free time, she likes to read murder mysteries, discover new KitKat flavours, and rank movie makeovers (not necessarily in that order). View Profile
