Dear Dads, We Get That Wedding Day ‘Goodbye’ (And How To Emerge Stronger)
Ahead of Father’s Day, here’s looking at ways to overcome the inescapable feeling of loss when your daughter marries and leaves home
It's never easy for a father to give away a piece of his heart—his daughter as she ties the knot. Emotions run high, with love, pride and nostalgia ringing in irreplaceable feelings of loss and sadness. The family dynamics change, the little girl who he took to the park and sat up nights helping her with homework, now moves away to set up her life elsewhere. Enter the new phase: of not seeing your daughter around. The transition is never easy to understand, and most dads take months, even more, to come to terms with the new change. But this doesn't have to take a toll; with a little understanding and a change of perspective, the wedding can leave you feeling sound and happy for your daughter.
Major developmental transition for the entire family system
Affirming that fathers can experience strong emotions at their daughter's wedding, Clinical psychologist Renuka Gandhi, says, “As psychologists, we often view a daughter's wedding not simply as a social or cultural event, but as a major developmental transition for the entire family system. While weddings are associated with joy and celebration, many fathers find themselves unexpectedly emotional, sometimes experiencing sadness, grief, nostalgia, and pride simultaneously. Psychologically, the emotion is rarely pure sadness. Rather, it is a complex emotional response to attachment, identity, and transition.”
She adds, “The sadness many fathers experience is often a form of transition grief—the natural grief that accompanies the end of an important life stage, even when the change itself is positive. At the same time, fathers may experience what psychologists call anticipatory nostalgia. As they watch their daughter enter a new phase of life, memories of her childhood become especially vivid. They are not mourning the loss of the relationship itself, but rather the passing of a cherished chapter that can never be recreated.”
‘When I sat in the doli and looked at their faces, I was overwhelmed’
Livleen Kaur Dang from Ahmedabad who recently tied the knot with Aviraj Singh Machre at the Fairmont, Mumbai, this February, recalls the touching moment when she bid goodbye to her father and grandfather. “I don't think I can ever put that feeling into words. My dad and my grandfather have been my rock and my pillar of support. I shared the sweetest, most playful relationship with my grandfather—I never missed a chance to tease him or pull his leg. And my father has always been the one who silently kept guiding me throughout, kept me grounded and ensured I always got the best of the best in life.”
She continues, “When I sat in the doli and looked at their faces, I just remembered being that little girl who used to jump into my grandfather's and my father's lap. And those same arms, they helped me into the doli that day! I was overjoyed. I was overwhelmed. Life really came full circle. This moment is really a precious one from the wedding.”
5 steps to take dads through the wedding and after...
Several psychological factors can support healthy adjustment says Gandhi. She shares key among them:
1) Trust the parenting process. One of the greatest protective factors is confidence in the values, life skills, and emotional strength that have been passed on to the daughter. Fathers often find comfort when they recognize that the qualities they hoped to instill are now visible in the adult she has become.
2) Recognise the difference between attachment and dependence. Healthy attachment does not require physical closeness or dependence. A daughter can be independent while remaining emotionally connected to her father.
3) Allow emotional expression. Many men have been socialised to suppress vulnerable emotions. However, emotional expression during significant life transitions is psychologically healthy. Tears at a daughter's wedding are often an expression of love, meaning, and connection rather than weakness.
4) Reframe the event as a developmental success. Instead of focusing on what is ending, fathers can focus on what has been achieved. The daughter's ability to form healthy adult relationships, make independent decisions, and create her own future is evidence that the father's role has been successful.
5) Maintain connection while accepting change. The father-daughter relationship does not disappear after marriage; it evolves. Many fathers discover that their relationship with their daughter becomes deeper, more mature, and more reciprocal in adulthood.