Did You Know: Talking About the Weather Might Actually Be Good for Your Relationship?

Love and relationships are often associated with grand gestures, a lavish date, poetic confessions or big declarations of love. But what if science told you that love is not always about the big gestures and loud declarations of love, but also the smallest of things?

Psychology says that the real magic of love is mostly about the little things that people do in love, they are something far less dramatic and as mundane as small talk. Yes, that seemingly ordinary and often perceived to be unnecessary and extremely formal banter about how your day was, or what your coffee preference is or the kind of food you like, could be the unsung hero of your romantic relationship.

Here’s a deep dive into how small talk works in relationships, according to Clinical Psychology Scholar, Ananya Pant, and why some people are better at it while some struggle for their lives. 

Can small talk be the ritual that nourishes your love?

A relationship between two people is like a plant, according to Ananya, that requires the right amount of nourishment daily, and that is what does for your relationship. “Small talk can act like water in our relationship,” explains Pant. It cannot just nourish but also replenish the relationship from time to time. Right from the talking stage that acts as an icebreaker to a relationship going through a rough patch, small talk can act as a glue that keeps it from falling apart and ties the two people together. It keeps a sense of companionship, care and affection between two people alive, ultimately keeping the spark alive. “‘Small talk' also doesn't have to be a conversation necessarily. Little gestures like observing your partner or attentively listening to them talk can also act as a non-verbal way of engaging in small talk,” Ananya highlights.

So why do some people naturally breeze through small talk while others freeze on the mere thought of it, you might ask. Ananya attributes this to people’s personalities and the behaviours that they have learned throughout their lives.

She mentions that extroverts may find it easier to engage in small talk while introverts struggle to start a conversation. However, they can build the skill without having to change their core personality. “Whether it’s through therapy, social skills training, or even simply watching TEDx talks, people can learn how to comfortably and meaningfully engage in everyday conversation,” she adds.

Small talk but not so small

It turns out that those little questions like “how was your day?” or “did you eat?”, that may seem a formality to some are not exactly as trivial as they may seem. Ananya highlights that there is psychological research that has shown that these mundane exchanges between a couple are linked to lower breakup rates and higher satisfaction amongst people, leading to increased longevity of the relationships. “It helps maintain intimacy and prevent any emotional drift,” Ananya goes on to take reference for a famous couple’s psychologist, Gottman, who talked about a concept called ‘bids for connection.’ This concept highlights small attempts in which your partner tries to engage with you. “For example, sharing a reel or what happened in their day. Gottman says that relationships where these "bids for connection" are returned are relationships that see enhanced longevity,” she adds. The key is not to ignore these small moments in an attempt to skip the small talk.

One can often tell if a relationship between two people is going through a rough patch or is on rocky ground by simply noticing how the small talk plays out. According to Ananya, there are always signs. “Not returning a bid for connection is the first sign of a rocky relationship.” The others can include giving dismissive responses like ‘hmm’ or ‘okay’ or getting irritated when the other person is sharing an update about their life. If all conversations that are purely related to logistics or tasks and show no emotional depth or do not involve active listening on the part of either partner are warning signs of a relationship that is walking over thin ice.

Can small talk be the bridge between two people?

Small talk is not just about having conversations that have no real meaning attached to it. In fact it can be a very powerful tool that can repair a relationship. “It can be a great way to reduce heat in a conflict by re-establishing a shaky connection and creating a safe space,” Pant explains.

The next time you find yourself in a fight with your partner, a gentle check-in like “did you eat something?” or “I saw that reminded me of you” can change the tone of the conflict and even often kill it. These gestures don’t sweep issues under the rug but simply postpone the discussion for a time when it can be approached with more calm and clarity.

Struggling with small talk? Here’s how to ace it

If casual small talk is something you find really difficult to do, Ananya suggests understanding that it is not always important to say something. Often, a person’s mere presence can say a lot. “When we constantly think about what to say next, we tend to lose out on the present moment, resulting in the disruption of the connection.” 

You should start small. Ask your partner how their day was or how they have been feeling. The key to small talk is to be genuinely curious about your significant other.

Bringing small talk into habit and ritualising it can also be effective for someone who finds it difficult to engage in small talk. For instance, creating a morning check-in where you ask your partner how they are feeling and what emotion they are feeling and on a scale of 1 to 10, how intensely they are feeling it, can enhance the connection between two people as it lets them know when their partner is not feeling the best and needs some additional support. “At times, it may help individuals find themselves,” Ananya adds.

Can a lot of small talk ruin a relationship?

With that said, while small talk is a very effective tool in reconnecting and keeping the spark alive, it can also backfire if it is used to avoid deeper issues. “Small talk simply for the sake of it can bring in superficiality, making a partner move further away in need of space,” Pant warns. If used defensively to shift attention away from a serious issue, small talk can lead to a pile-up of things that have been avoided and can lead to a big blow-up.

She emphasises that the key to a healthy relationship is to maintain a balance between using small talk to reconnect and support, and ensuring that it does not replace the emotional depth of the relationship.

At a time when relationships go through several distractions, which can lead to an emotional disconnect, the solution might not be grand gestures but more frequent and gentler conversations.