Are You A ‘Mankeeper’?

When Anjali* (name changed on request) came home after a long day at her full-time job, where she had to give an important presentation to make a case for her promotion, the last thing she needed was to sit through her husband Gaurav’s impassioned rant about losing out on Coldplay tickets, something he had been hoping to tick off from his bucket list. 

On the surface, Anjali and Gaurav’s situation might seem almost unproblematic. Why couldn’t a person couldn’t complain about something that has affected them emotionally to their partner? Who else is he supposed to go and rant in front of? But the truth is that Anjali and Gaurav’s situation is far more complex than it sounds.

In May 2023, US Surgeon General Dr Vivek Murthy declared that the phenomenon of male loneliness has officially been granted the status of an epidemic. Men’s shrinking social network is contributing to the increasing feeling of loneliness. Much of this could be credited to the alpha posturing that has become a mainstay of a particular side of the Internet. Algorithms of young men have been filled with harmful advice on suppressing emotions and vulnerability to be “more of a man” and shake off the conditioning that the woke left has been trying to impose over the years through movies and TV shows.

A result of this alarming phenomenon has been that the women in these men’s lives have had to take on the responsibility of providing emotional support. According to recent research by a team of experts at Stanford University, this has led to increased mental health problems in women. The study, published in the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinities, coined the term ‘Mankeeping’ to summarise the issue.

What is Mankeeping?

In the study, the researchers claim that women assume the responsibility of compensating for the deficiency in men’s social network and take on significant emotional needs of the men in their lives, adding to their already overburdened mental load.

They term this as ‘mankeeping’, which intends to encapsulate the “efforts that women engage in to alleviate gaps in men’s social circles and mitigate the effects of men’s loneliness.” 

Angelica Ferrara, the primary author of the study and post-doctoral scholar at the Clayman Institute of Gender Research, says that her initial findings imply that some women dedicate several hours each week to overseeing the emotional and social wellness of the men in their lives. Ferrara and her co-author Dylan Vergara describe mankeeping as “a lack of reciprocity in cross-gender problem sharing may contribute to women’s feelings of burnout or frustration regarding men’s emotional demands, although this remains unexamined.” 

In every relationship, there is an expectation of emotional support from both sides and this is irrespective of gender. However, women are conditioned to assume the responsibility of providing emotional support to the men in their lives when they don’t have any such outlet in the form of close friends in their social circle.

How Does Mankeeping Affect Relationships?

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that this alarming social phenomenon has started affecting the dynamic between partners, as in the case of Anjali and Gaurav. The imbalance between emotional availability can be frustrating, says Delhi-based Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Counsellor Deepali Batra. “It can soon lead to resentment and comparisons. Emotional and cognitive exhaustion can also start setting in.”

The psychologist adds, “The woman in this equation might feel less acknowledged as she is emotionally available and supportive but it’s not being reciprocated. On the other hand, the male partner can become too dependent on his wife or girlfriend for emotional support and it could hamper his personal growth.”

In the study, Ferrera and Vergara refer to studies that state that women who felt they invested more emotion than men (by consistent mankeeping) had lower levels of affection for their partners. In cases where the couple was married, they faced a greater chance of divorce because of this.

What Is The Difference Between Being Emotionally Available And Mankeeping?

“Being emotionally available and caring towards your partner is an important part of a relationship, but somewhere there has to be a balance,” says Deepali, “There has to be proper boundaries.” Caring needs to be balanced on both sides and no partner should feel less looked after emotionally.

How To Recognise If You’ve Been Mankeeping?

It’s not easy to recognise when the scales of two-way emotional dumping become imbalanced. The expectation is deeply ingrained in women and is rarely questioned. According to Deepali, it’s especially important to keep a check in with yourself to avoid letting the situation spiral out of control. “An important sign is when you’re constantly managing your partner’s emotional needs and feelings but your own needs are unmet.” 

What To Do After Recognising That You’ve Been Mankeeping?

Mankeeping is a problem and it could ruin your relationship with your partner if you let the feelings and resentment fester for long. That doesn’t mean you can approach the issue and fix your dynamic through, you guessed it, communication. 

The first step, however, is self-introspection. “You need to understand how much emotional labour you’ve been taking on and whether or not it’s being reciprocated. You need to also reflect on the impact it’s having on you,” says Deepali.

The second, and most important, step according to the psychologist is to have open conversations. “You need to use ‘I’ statements. Your partner shouldn’t feel that you’re blaming them when you’re just expressing your emotions,” she advises. She also emphasises the importance of setting boundaries and limits to restore some semblance of balance in dynamics. In any case, it would be advisable to consult a therapist or have a relationship counsellor mediate the discussion to avoid misunderstandings.