Exploring the Rise of Grey Divorce: What It Means for Families And Individuals

When Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai appeared separately for Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant’s reception, people online began to speculate about their relationship status. This is when the term ‘Grey Divorce’ started gaining momentum online, especially when Abhishek liked a post on Instagram about the rising trend.

It began to circulate again when reports of Urmila Matondkar’s divorce from her husband of eight years Mohsin Akhtar Mir surfaced. So what on earth is a Grey divorce? Take a look…

What Is A Grey Divorce?

A Grey divorce can be defined as a divorce or a separation of couples happening after the age of 50, or late 40s. According to arecent study published by theJournal of Gerontology, the rate of divorce happening in adults over the age of 65 has tripled in the past half century (1970-2019).

Gurugram-based relationship coach Sundeep Sangwan believes urbanisation and self-awareness are the prime reasons for an increase in divorces among older couples.

“Due to the onset of urbanisation and increased work opportunities for both the genders over the years, women have started to depend less on their spouses for financial support, and hence are choosing to break free from toxic relationships to lead independent lives,” he says.

“While decreased financial dependency is one of the main reasons, increased awareness about mental wellness is also another reason why people are choosing to move out of toxic relationships. Earlier, due to limited resources, people prioritised basic requirements like food, water, air, shelter, sex, or safety needs like financial or health and social needs of belongingness, for leading a happy life. Over time, due to easy access to information via social media, people are prioritising their well-being (physical and mental) and self actualisation needs and focusing on doing things that make them happy, rather than living a compromised life.”

What To Consider While Opting For Grey Divorce

While the idea of breaking free from a marriage in the later stage of your life can be both liberating and daunting, here are a few checkboxes one needs to tick off before calling it quits...

Sharing of responsibilities

Couples married for years will invariably have some shared responsibilities, like kids, pets and parents. Anyone who is opting for a grey divorce or is even considering it should discuss the division of duties to avoid overburdening the other partner and give each other ample personal space to prioritise their well-being.

"Kids or no kids, pets or no pets dividing responsibilities while considering a grey divorce is undoubtedly a hard nut to crack,” says Delhi-based psychologist Dr Deepali Batra, "One easy way to do this is to be aware of each other's boundaries and physical and mental limitations, as this helps to segregate duties with ease. For example, if one of them complains of aching joints, the other partner can shop for groceries for both of them”

Asset division

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People who choose to separate after years of being married will, no doubt,  have a substantial amount of joint assets like their house, vehicles and investments along with retirement benefits such as pensions that they might have accumulated over the years. To ensure fair distribution of assets among both partners, it is necessary to hire a legal mediator to ensure fair and transparent communication between both parties.

“A mediator helps navigate this complexity with ease and ensures a fair division,” says Delhi-based divorce lawyer Nidhi Rajouria. According to her, legal mediation is a better solution than traditional litigation for people undergoing a grey divorce. “As every relationship is unique, the process of litigation helps to understand and craft solutions as per the requirements of both the parties by analysing all possible outcomes and situations  rather than relying on a one-size-fits-all court ruling.”

Legal implications

For couples undergoing a Grey divorce, the legal implications in any country are more complex than the ones who are going through a separation in their early 30s or 40s.

“Apart from alimony and will settlements, a Grey divorce usually includes the curation of a qualified domestic relations order (QDRO), which can be defined as a legal document that recognises a former spouse, child, or other dependent who is entitled to receive a predefined portion of the account owner’s retirement plan assets”, says Advocate Nidhi Rajouria.

“While the fundamental legal principles of separation remain the same, the complexities and considerations in grey divorces require a more tailored approach as there are multiple factors like assets, alimony, and custody of children involved to ensure fair and equitable outcomes, without giving rise to further conflicts.”

Long-term impact

Old age comes with its own set of challenges and trials. Your social circle tends to get limited due to reduced socialisation and physical activity, and it makes people more vulnerable to mental health concerns like depression and anxiety.

“Every change is uncomfortable in the beginning, as people begin to age they are not in the warrior mindset they had in their 20s or 30s to battle the lemons that life throws at them,” says Sundeep Sangwan. “There have been cases where people have opted for a grey divorce and have been hounded by anxiety and depression and gone back and remarried their spouses because they are terrified of being left alone. One easy way to do this is to devise your daily routine and tick off tasks that you can do without your partner and the ones you cannot. This helps an individual to have clarity about your dependency on your partner, devise coping strategies, look for alternatives and may in the rarest cases also rekindle hope of reconciliation”.

Assessment of the relationship

Though it is not an obligatory step to follow, assessing a relationship before calling it quits helps to analyse mistakes, understand one’s true worth, and plan for the life ahead. Relationship coach Chetna Chakravarthy believes that assessing a relationship helps both couples have a proper closure. “One must list down all the reasons and even the silliest reasons why they want to seek a divorce, then examine what can be worked and what cannot be worked out,” she says, “This simple exercise helps to reduce the feeling of regret largely. While this assessment can seldom give you that tiny ray of hope to rework your relationship, it can also make one aware of their own shortcomings, the loopholes both the partners have been overlooking or ignoring for years together that have eventually led to the separation, thereby making one wiser.”

Navigating Life Post A Grey Divorce

Navigating your way out of a Grey divorce is hard, but it is not as tough as it seems, here are a few points to help you out.

Embrace the pain

After being together for years, even after reduced communication and lack of intimacy (physical, sexual and emotional), both partners are bound to experience the turbulence of emotions while discussing separation. One easy way to navigate through this pain is to allow the emotions to flow through your mind and gradually subside.

“A Grey divorce is tough for both the individuals in a marriage, the one who is asking for it and the one who is shocked at the mention of the D-word,” says Chetna Charkravarthy, “The discomfort of being dissociated from habits that have been formed over the years primarily due to the influence of the other partner is what causes the pain and frustration. People should embrace the pain, cry out their feelings understand the impermanence of this transition phase and most importantly be kind to themselves to allow new patterns to form.”

Set boundaries

Just the way establishing a fence outside your garden reduces intrusion and protects your space, setting boundaries in a relationship helps reduce burnout, and build trust. Moreover, it is doubly important to establish boundaries after a grey divorce as defined boundaries help improve communication, promote positive co-parenting and also ease the process of embracing lifestyle changes.

Dr Deepali Batra believes one easy way of setting boundaries and promoting healthy and cordial communication for couples undergoing a grey divorce is to make the other partner aware of each other’s changed priorities.“When people break off from a relationship, they are no longer husband and wife and they need to dissolve old boundaries and build new ones. When you tell the person about your changed priorities it gives them an idea that your world is no longer confined to them, secondly, it also helps to deal with and embrace change with ease.”

Seek professional help, if necessary

Change is the only constant in life, an individual undergoes several physical, and physiological changes throughout his or her lifetime due to ageing. When divorces happen at an older stage in life, the change is too much to bear for an individual who is already trying to embrace and address the physical and mental changes in their body.

“People undergoing a grey divorce may see a significant drop in feel-good hormones like Dopamine, Oxytocin and Serotonin due to reduced physical and emotional intimacy. While physical touch and emotional support help release these hormones, people fail to understand there are many ways to generate the same. That is where the role of a therapist comes into play, as a therapist may identify or suggest activities by analysing behavioural patterns where people can find ways to release these hormones without feeling left out”.

Create a support network

People in their old age are more prone to psychological disorders and conditions like GAD (Generalised anxiety disorder) and hypertension along with reduced physical agility due to loss of bone density and muscle mass, while these changes are inevitable, having someone to fall back can reduce the risk of counteracting psychological conditions.

“Having a poor social support system can lead to a worsening of the physical disease because of the lack of an emotional support system”, says Dr Batra, “People are prone to psychological conditions like Alzheimer's. Moreover, there is an increased fear of death which may manifest in ugly ways. Hence, creating a support system of people who understand their viewpoint will help them vent out repressed emotions and give them a feeling that they are being heard.”

Rebuild your identity

When separation happens at a later stage in life, rebuilding your identity requires additional effort. But once people begin to enjoy their own company, the pangs of separation gradually ease out.

Chetna Chakravarthy suggests that one should keep themselves usefully busy rather than stalking their ex on social media platforms. “People who stammer are taught to sing, and that's how you replace old behavioural patterns with new ones. So, people undergoing a grey divorce should increase socialisation, and take up long-forgotten hobbies to help adapt to the change with ease.”