Navigating The Impact Of Trauma On Relationships After Sexual Abuse

Some memories can be extremely painful and when it’s as painful and horrifying as a sexual assault, the memory remains afresh even years later. But, just as having a clean slate helps draw and write with ease, resolving memories of sexual assault or trauma can help open doors to a better tomorrow. Moreover, it can also improve the survivors' relationship they share with themselves as it helps to eliminate feelings of angst, shame, fear and self-doubt.

What is Sexual Trauma?

Sexual trauma can be defined as physical, psychological, emotional, social and physiological changes that the survivor goes through after experiencing sexual assault. When left untreated, sexual trauma can manifest in ugly ways and lead to psychosomatic,  psychological and psycho-social disorders which may affect the overall functioning of the survivor's mind and body.

“It is important to resolve sexual trauma before entering a relationship or in general because untreated wounds on your mind can affect your ability to have faith in your partner which is vitally important for keeping the physical and emotional intimacy alive in the relationship”, says clinical psychologist Dr Deepali Batra, “Unresolved sexual trauma also leads to psychological conditions like PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), anxiety, depression, substance abuse and even provoke thoughts of self-injury. It also makes it difficult to manage emotions and leads to problems with self-image, body and identity that can lead to unexpected outbursts and gradually affect the survivors' relationship with themselves and their loved ones in the long run.”

(DISCLAIMER: This article is not a replacement for any counselling, please consult your psychiatrist to help you out in case you witness extreme symptoms )

How Does Unaddressed Sexual Trauma Affect Relationships?

Sexual abuse can hamper the survivor's approach to sex and intimacy which is also known as sexual dysfunctioning. Here are a few signs of sexual dysfunctioning to watch out for

Physical problems

The earliest manifestation of sexual trauma is in the form of psychosomatic disorders like Vaginismus (a condition in which the pelvic floor muscles try to contract making it difficult for penetration). It also leads to a lack of disinterest in sex which leads to problems in clitoral stimulation thereby making it difficult for women to attain orgasms. In men, it leads to problems with erection and may also lead to psychogenicerectile dysfunction(ED).

“For people whose sexual trauma has been untreated, the memories remain buried in the subconscious level of mind, while encountering sexual experience or even while trying to practise self-pleasure, the memories spring back to the surface level of the brain which triggers the release of stress hormones like cortisol, adrenaline which hinders the blood flow to the sexual organs thereby leading to a failed erection or vaginal dryness,” says, Psychosexual therapist Dr Somya Tandon.

Fear of sex and intimacy

Memories of sexual abuse or assault can result in an increased fear of sex and intimacy which in medical terms is also known as ‘genophobia’. Though people diagnosed with genophobia enjoy minor acts of intimacy like cuddling and holding hands, they refrain from acts of oral and penetrative sex.

“Rather than visualising sex as a pleasurable experience, survivors of sexual assault, view the entire experience as a painful act, as they associate the memory with the pain they felt when their consent was violated and hence hesitate and fear to discuss or initiate any form of sex and intimacy,” says Dr Batra.

Isolation and social withdrawal

The memory of a sexual trauma is often coupled with feelings of self-doubt, betrayal and angst which often forces the survivor to withdraw from daily interaction. Because while withdrawing socially the survivor prefers to be in their own safe space devoid of any anxiety, fear or judgement.

“People who face sexual assault prefer to remain isolated primarily because of the fear of being hurt again which dwells in the back of their minds”, says Dr Batra, “They tend to withdraw socially and isolate themselves as socialising with people as it exposes them to certain elements in the extrinsic world specific to their abuse that triggers old memories and instils fear and anxiety in their minds, and hence survivor prefer to remain socially aloof.”

Increased co-dependency or excessive avoidance

Survivors of sexual abuse may have repressed feelings which can sometimes lead them to have increased co-dependency or in other cases excessive avoidance.

“Most survivors of abuse will change their perception of themselves due to the trauma they experience. The changed perception usually is a total of the individual psyche, the kind of abuse, and an understanding they have of themselves. For example, if a person experiences low self-esteem they might migrate towards more co-dependent feelings. In some cases, individuals may also find themselves in a trauma bond or a Stockholm Syndrome situation.  In such cases, survivors may see abuse as “only a small” part of the relationship and may choose to continue to stay in an abusive environment in the hope of better days. For some other folks, traumatic experiences may make them move heavily towards self-reliance and make it difficult for them to trust people leading to the formation of an avoidant attachment style. One cannot predict this as it depends on so many different factors, " says sexuality educator at Allo Health and content creator,Artika Singh

How to help a partner dealing with sexual trauma

The memories of sexual trauma when left untreated play like a loop in the minds of the survivor which may again release feelings of angst, self-doubt and shame. Here partners in a relationship need to be extremely empathetic towards their loved ones in order to help them emerge out of it sooner and with ease.

“People having partners who have faced sexual assault need to understand that Intimacy cannot be only restricted to physical intimacy,” says Dr Tandon, “While dealing with a partner who has faced sexual trauma, the other partner needs to first focus on attaining emotional intimacy, social and intellectual intimacy, first, as this helps develop transparency, enhance trust. The first step towards attaining emotional intimacy always comes from empathy”.

(DISCLAIMER: The points mentioned below are not a replacement for any professional counselling, please consult your psychiatrist to help you out in case you witness extreme symptoms )

Identify basic triggers

Identifying triggers while dealing with survivors of sexual abuse is a baby step one can take while trying to battle memories of sexual assault. Apart from reducing fear of intimacy, it also opens up doors for better communication between people.

“The survivor when exposed to triggers or elements of sexual abuse forces the brain to choose from the options of fight, flight and freeze and also initiate flashbacks of the painful experiences that may affect the normal functioning of the body and the mind, says, Deepali Batra, “The mind is unable to relax and is constantly looking for potential threats thereby unable to enjoy the beauty of the present moment.”

Re-establish consent

Whether you are dealing with a partner who has faced sexual abuse or not establishing consent helps eliminate the feeling of entitlement and does not make room for toxicity to creep into the relationship, a little bit of sympathy and empathy towards your partner goes a long way, the baby step to begin with is to ask.

“The easiest way to reestablish consent with your partner is to check with your partner whether a certain act is fine with them or not fine with them. Some partners may not want to have sex at all because of some jarring events that have happened in the past. Here as a partner, it is important to understand that it is not about you, but it is coming from a place that you are unaware of. “ says Artika.

Kill the cliches

Although the end goal is to help your partner emerge from their painful memories, providing them with advice and confronting their natural outflow of emotions with your experiences or personal thoughts is not going to speed up the process of recovery.

“Establishing a safe space is vital while dealing with a person who has encountered sexual abuse or assault. Although the listener may be intrigued to say things like please forgive them, move on, forget what has happened, one should refrain from using these” as the survivor may perceive this as their partner’s apathy,” says Deepali Batra, “Sometimes what the survivor needs is someone to listen and not confront their thoughts, and the easiest way to do so is to listen to them with patience without offering any suggestions, personal views.”

Do not push for details

Although you as a partner may want your beau to open up about their painful memories to make them feel lighter, sometimes insisting can be more damaging than anyone can imagine.

“If your partner has opened up to you about their sexual abuse, the best thing is to stop and listen to them”, says, Artika, “Sometimes, the survivor may not open up completely about the details, and you poking them for details may not always be a comfortable option for the survivor and an extremely daunting task because it requires them to revisit and relive those unpleasant and painful experiences. The best thing you can do as a partner is to allow them the space and time to open up eventually.”

Seek the help of a therapist

Working with a therapist not only helps emerge from painful memories and helps manage emotions and thoughts better, but it also helps eliminate negative self-talk, shame, guilt and anger.

“There are certain tools in trauma therapy like cognitive assessment, somatic experiencing helps diagnose conditions like PTSD which is very common in survivors of sexual assault”, says, Deepali Batra, “But these methods have to be carried out under the guidance of a certified psychologist because results may vary as different people respond differently”.

Dealing with memories of sexual abuse comes with its own share of challenges. To help survivors embrace a better version of themselves, the first step begins with creating a safe, non-judgmental space where they don’t feel their safety is compromised or threatened.

Please reach out to these mental helpline numbers in case you need any help

Vandrevala Foundation-+91 9999666555.Fortis-  +919205010 100

Tele Manas(A Government of India initiative) 1-800-891-4416Icall- 9152987821

Allo Health- 08071175797