Queer Marriage: Till Supreme Court Do Us Part?

There is no story I have exploited to death like the way I've milked how I came out to my parents. The short version of the story is that tears were shed (mostly by me), hugs were exchanged (mostly by them), and everything was right again. The long version of the story involved my mum wondering what she was supposed to do "with all the family jewels she'd saved up for my future wife."

"Or future husband," my dad quipped, making an obvious dad joke. "Let’s not worry about that now," I'd say to them, not having the heart to tell them I wasn't looking at tying the knot. My parents could only handle so much.

"Why don't you want to get married?" people would ask every time I’d tell this story (which was a lot).

"It's just not my thing," I'd reply, with the flair of someone explaining why they don't like hiking. "Until we're all treated equally, I don't see the point."

For the casual reader, it’s important to note that this was back in 2015—an escapist hellhole where homosexuality was illegal—which means the concept of two men exchanging rings was laughable.

Full disclaimer: I've been rather dispassionate about marriage equality. I've never wanted to get married, so I've never felt personally inconvenienced by the fact that this tradition was unavailable to me. But that doesn't mean I don't want anyone else to have it. I don't like eating cauliflower, but I don’t want to see it banned.

Don't get me wrong. Weddings are great—they're a testament to love and a perfect excuse for millennials to choreograph yet another song-and-dance number to a Karan Johar classic. But for many, the passing of such laws allowing queer couples to marry isn't just about weddings. It's about the principle that gay people should be allowed to do everything straight people can do—like fussing about marriage—because it is a basic human right.

Unfortunately, it's not. Being gay is still illegal in 64 countries, and same-sex unions are only allowed in 34 nations.

India is not one of them.

Equality, Actually

It should come as no surprise to anyone that our country's relationship with tolerance—much like our relationships with our dads—is quite strained. It took thirty years to host our first Pride march in Calcutta in 1999, with just fifteen brave souls participating. Other cities only followed in 2008, and it was another two decades before the Supreme Court partially decriminalized homosexuality. You don't need to be good at gay math to know that those stats don't work in our favour.

People thought it would be the start of something wonderful—queer couples racing the clock (and more importantly, each other) to make it save-the-date official. But that optimism was short-lived.

On October 17, 2023, after a marathon of hearings on marriage equality, a five-judge Constitution Bench ruled 3-2 against legalizing LGBTQI+ marriages. They came to two conclusions: First, there's no fundamental right to marry for anyone, let alone same-sex couples. Second, the Special Marriage Act (1954) passed its constitutional litmus test. Not their brightest moment. Very disappointing.  1/10, I would say.

Truth time: Do I want to get married? No. Do I want to have the option to get married? Without a doubt. I'm not a gay man hardened by a string of failed relationships cynical. I am sure being presented with the option of getting married would feel empowering. It would feel even more empowering to have the freedom to say, "This progress is astounding—but I'll have to pass."

Thankfully, I’m the anomaly.

I Now Pronounce You Husband And Husband

After six years together, Vikas Narula and his partner Aditya Raj married at Sydney World Pride in March 2023—surrounded by close friends, family, and dozens of Mardi Gras revellers, they exchanged rings in a non-religious ceremony.

"Marriage to us is not just a piece of paper. It's about proving to the world that we exist and we love," the restaurateur says when I ask if they'd want to marry in India. His only hope from the Supreme Court is that they're not treated as second-class citizens and have every right to love whom they choose. I hope that the Court lets this couple live life to the fullest.

Mumbai-based Ameya Rele and Aneesh Sheth decided to marry on a whim on a trip to the US—no engagement, no ceremony. "A year before our decision, we'd applied for Canadian PR. It was hard to prove our relationship, and we had to go through multiple layers of red tape and bureaucracy—so we thought if we're going to the States, we might as well do it."

Their wedding was a subdued affair at home in Washington DC—it happened across their dining table. Ameya's dad got officiated online, and most of their family joined on a Zoom call. It took five minutes (and zero Mardi Gras revellers). “Life’s no different. But my mum thinks Aneesh looks happier.”

Over in Gurgaon, Siddharth & Manish* (names changed) have been together for eleven years. For all practical purposes—and for everyone who knows them—they consider themselves married. “We’ve been together so long—why fight it?” he makes a fair point. Why fight for it? "Around the world, kids live in fear every day because their families won't accept that they're queer. They'll see two gay men getting married, and it will give them hope."

Do gay weddings have to adhere to standard (read: heteronormative) wedding traditions? You know the drill—couples walking down the aisle, mothers crying at the mandap, uncles getting drunk at open bars (scratch that: open bars are always welcome).

'It's completely up to the person. Marriage, children, and a 2BHK house might necessarily not be the dream for a lot of queer people anymore. But the right to marry adds a whole level of security to our lives. So, if someone wants to get married in an amusement park, that's up to them,' he jokes. Would he get married? “In a heartbeat.”

From Delhi to Mumbai to Madrid, no matter who I interviewed, every single person wants the same thing—a world where they feel equal. With government sanctions come legal guarantees of hospital visitations, partnerships, and inheritance. “And, less paperwork,” Aneesh adds.

Perhaps, marriage isn't the only thing needing redefinition for the modern age.

What Queer People Want (Pinterest Weddings Not Included)

We need to send a powerful message about equality: our fight is for social justice for everyone, everywhere—especially those struggling to define themselves. It's about changing the world, not just getting married. We want to build our communities and tackle the root causes of LGBTQIA+ poverty and deaths. Marriage equality alone doesn't solve these issues, and could potentially slow momentum for broader trans/queer rights.

Our goal is LGBTQIA+ people off the streets and out of jails, and improve living standards, education, employment, and access to gender-affirming healthcare. True equality isn't about uniformity; it's about being seen and treated as equals, differences and all.

Does This Mean Happily-Never-After?

Let's not forget that 17th October was a game-changer for two reasons. Yes, the Special Marriage Act was upheld as constitutional.

But four hours before the hearing, as I listened to the radio in my gym, something unexpected happened. I turned to see my only companion—a sixty-something mother of two—do something I never anticipated.

She paused her workout to flash me the widest smile I'd ever seen. At that moment, I realized there's still hope in this world.

While gay marriage in India might seem like a distant dream, progress is inevitable—it may take time before we're enjoying domestic bliss, but it will happen.

It might take a year, a decade, or two. Until then, I raise a glass to all couples, knowing that if and when my day comes, I'd want an elaborately choreographed 'Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham' medley at my wedding.

And preferably a groom who doesn't run away before I do.