When Is The Right Time To Seek Relationship Therapy?

When Farhan Akhtar and Shibani Dandekar appeared on Rhea Chakraborty’s podcast Chapter 2 recently, they probably didn’t think they’d be causing a mini-revolution. During a conversation about their bond with each other, Shibani revealed that the couple has been in therapy with a relationship counsellor for the better part of their relationship.

“We started doing couples therapy I think about six months before or after we got engaged. It wasn’t one person convincing the other. It was like this is something that sounds like a smart thing to do,” she said in the podcast.

“It’s like going to the gym,” she explained, “You have to keep working on it. So, there are times when we go for sessions and it’s every couple of weeks and sometimes we go in there and we just look at each other and we’re like we have nothing to talk about. There are days where we go in and we were like we are going to need longer than an hour because let me just tell you some things about this guy right here…There are times when we maybe get into a fight at home and we know we’ve got to see our therapist on Wednesday. So, we will just wait or I will try and wait. I want to get into it right now and he’ll be like ‘Let’s just wait and discuss it on Wednesday’ (sic).”

While many thought the couple’s behaviour was bordering on extreme, there were a heartening number of people who felt empowered by Shibani’s admission.

“Shibani Dandekar and Farhan Akhtar’s decision to see a couple’s therapist, even without specific issues, is a healthy practice,” says psychologist and couples therapist Shivani Misri Sadho, “Seeking therapy proactively could strengthen a relationship by enhancing communication, understanding, and emotional connection. Instead of being reactive, it is a preventative measure that promotes long-term relationship health and resilience.”

Whether you agree with Shibani and Farhan or not, couples therapy can be a great way to help improve relationships. It can help you address unresolved conflicts, disconnection, sexual problems and so much more.

In India, the conversation around mental health and seeking help is still in a nascent stage. So for people who are married, or even in a long-term relationship, seeking professional intervention can be a taboo.

“Most people think that couples therapy is unnecessary and things will sort themselves out in a few sessions. But, in reality, it takes a long time, especially if the intervention happens when things have gone sour already,” says intimacy coach Aili Seghetti, “They don't teach us relational skills at school. They teach us math, history, literature, science, and whatever it is that will help us get a job. We’re never taught emotional literacy. How do you communicate? How do you fight? How do you make sure that you don't start creating resentment and hurt in the relationship? So these are things that you need to learn before you actually commit before you move in or even before you decide to get engaged.”

It’s important to note that while relationship therapy is crucial for a healthy and strong foundation, both partners have to consent to seeking help and intervention.

If you’re in a healthy, long-term commitment, or are looking to take the next step in your relationship, take a look at all the different signs that should propel you towards seeking professional intervention…

Signs That Indicate It’s Time To Seek Couples Therapy

“Most of the time, you know, people consider a third party only when they are considering a separation or when it goes off the roof and it is not in a situation to take care at their end,” says relationship coach Vidya Dakshinamoorthy, “This is what we are taught, but it all starts with very subtle, indications.”

You’re not communicating properly

As any self-respecting self-help book would tell you,healthy communicationis the most important factor in any relationship, whether romantic or otherwise. Failing to communicate with your partner can be an important signal that you might need a third-party, who is unbiased and has the necessary tools to help you out, to step in and talk you through the rough patch. “If your relationship has reached a point where you feel like, ‘oh, what's the point of even talking to this person? They're not gonna get it’, it could be a danger sign,” says Vidya.

You’re having recurring arguments and conflict

“If you’re having recurring arguments over the same issue, it might be time to seek help,” says Shivani. Frequent and intense fights over the same issues over and over again can erode the bonds of your relationship. It’s important to reflect on what’s causing this friction and address the issue at hand. Having an unbiased third party help you navigate this can work wonders.

You or your partner have emotionally checked out

“If one or both partners feel emotionally neglected or disconnected, it might be time to consult a therapist,” advises Shivani. Emotional withdrawal in a relationship is very common and could be a result of many things, from resentment over unresolved or unaddressed conflicts to external stressors. It’s important to identify the root of this problem and figure out whether this state is temporary or something that could affect the future of your relationship.

You have a lack of physical intimacy

Sex and other forms of physical intimacy can be crucial to relationships. Whether your love language is physical touch or not, lack of intimacy can be a big factor in deteriorating the health of your relationship. “When intimacy fades in a relationship and when people start living as roommates, and they're okay with it, that’s a problem,” warns Vidya.

You have trust issues

If you’re dealing with infidelity or you’re getting back together with an ex, trust issues need to be addressed properly. There could be a number of reasons why you’re considering staying in the relationship or getting back together. “To ensure that you are better equipped to be able to handle those issues, those conflicts, navigate relationships better, I think it's a good idea to consult the proper therapist,” says relationship coach and matchmaker Radhika Mohta.

You’re facing a major life transition

Whether it’s relocation, loss of job, impending parenthood or even getting engaged, a major life transition can affect your relationship in a number of ways. Getting on the same page about shifting goals is very necessary. “(Therapy) lets couples address minor concerns before they escalate into bigger problems and helps them form better tools for managing future challenges. Therapy also fosters growth and strengthens intimacy, creating a safe space to explore feelings and align goals,” says Shivani.

You’re dealing with financial conflicts

While many couples have started realising the importance of getting the awkward money chat out of the way before getting into a long-term commitment, it’s still one of the biggest points of contention between couples. “If both of you have made your own money in life and both of you like, you need to have this conversation,” says Radhika. Your spending habits, financial anxiety and general attitude towards money can be a source of conflict and must be addressed healthily.

You or your partner want a breakup or a divorce

If you’ve reached a stage where you’re considering separating permanently from your partner, or even taking a break to spend time apart, therapy could help you process this and get through it with your mental health intact. Whether there’s potential to save your relationship or not, having professional help to navigate the painful and confusing path can be a healthy way to deal with this and ensure you do not fall back into the same patterns in any future relationships.

You want a healthy relationship with your partner

Couples therapy shouldn’t be a last-ditch effort to save a relationship. Take a cue from Shibani and Farhan to build a solid foundation for your life together through professional help. While, yes, it’s important to note that therapy is still considered taboo in India and is inaccessible to most of us for reasons like money or time, considering professional intervention can be a healthy relationship practice. “Marriage or a relationship cannot be something like ‘oh, I've planted the seed and it'll grow on its own’. It doesn't work that way. It needs constant care and attention,” says Vidya.