Your Attachment Style Might Just Be Sabotaging Your Relationship

If love were just about chemistry, dating would be easy. But somewhere between the “good morning” texts and the overthinking of reply to times lives something far more powerful: your attachment style. Shaped by early experiences and reinforced by every situationship, heartbreak, and soft launch since, attachment styles quietly influence how you love, fight, trust, and even how you spiral at 2 a.m. Are you the one who needs constant reassurance? The one who pulls away when things get too real? Or the one trying to keep the peace at all costs?

From anxious overanalysers to avoidant ghosters and the elusive secure communicators, the way you attach doesn’t just affect your partner—it shapes the entire dynamic of your relationship. But how exactly does it affect your relationship?

Psychologist and Clinical Hypnotherapist, Mishika Sethi, shares that different attachment styles strongly influence how people handle closeness, disagreement, and emotional needs. “Securely attached individuals usually approach conflict as something that can be talked through. They can express feelings without assuming rejection and remain emotionally available even during disagreements.”

She shares that anxiously attached partners often experience conflict as a threat to the relationship. “They may seek reassurance repeatedly, read deeply into small changes in tone, or escalate quickly because emotional distance feels unsafe to them.” She further added that avoidantly attached partners, in contrast, tend to withdraw when emotions run high. According to her, they may shut down, change the subject, or physically distance themselves, not because they don’t care, but because closeness during conflict feels overwhelming.

“One of the most common patterns seen in couples is the 'pursue-withdraw' cycle: one partner seeks reassurance while the other pulls away, which intensifies insecurity on both sides and prevents resolution.”

So, can attachment styles change over time, especially within a healthy relationship? 

Mishika shares that while attachment patterns are shaped early in life, they are not fixed. Human beings remain capable of emotional growth across their lifespan. Research and clinical practice consistently show that secure, supportive relationships can gradually reshape how individuals experience closeness and trust.

“For instance, someone who once struggled with fear of abandonment may develop greater emotional stability when their partner consistently responds with reliability, empathy, and reassurance. Similarly, individuals who once avoided emotional closeness can learn to tolerate and even value intimacy when it is experienced as safe rather than intrusive.”

However, she adds that stress, trauma, or relationship instability can temporarily activate earlier insecure patterns. Change is therefore possible, but it tends to be gradual and strengthened through repeated positive emotional experiences.

Further, Mishika shares some subtle signs that someone’s attachment style might be sabotaging their relationship without them realising it. She states that many attachment-driven behaviours are subtle and often mistaken for personality traits rather than emotional patterns.

According to her, some common signs include:

• A persistent need for reassurance, even when there is no clear threat to the relationship.

• Difficulty tolerating emotional distance, such as distress when a partner is busy, tired, or less expressive.

• Emotional withdrawal or shutting down during conflict, often framed as “needing space” but accompanied by avoidance of vulnerability.

• Becoming defensive or dismissive when a partner expresses emotional needs.

• Escalating small disagreements into major emotional crises.

“These behaviours are usually automatic and not intentional. Most individuals are unaware that these reactions stem from attachment-based fears rather than present-day realities.”

So, how can partners with contrasting attachment styles, for example, anxious and avoidant, build emotional safety instead of triggering each other?

“Partners with differing attachment styles can build emotional safety through awareness, communication, and intentional structure. The anxious partner often seeks closeness for reassurance, while the avoidant partner seeks space for emotional regulation. Without understanding, these needs can feel rejected or overwhelming to each other.”

She shares that emotional safety improves when partners openly acknowledge these differences and create predictable patterns of connection. “For example, agreeing on check-in times, using clear language around emotional needs, and setting boundaries around space without disconnecting entirely can reduce misunderstandings.”

She adds that instead of reacting defensively, partners benefit from responding with empathy recognizing that behind withdrawal is often fear, and behind pursuit is a need for reassurance. Over time, this mutual understanding helps reduce emotional reactivity and strengthens relational security.

Pondering the practical steps that individuals can take to develop a more secure attachment style while actively dating or in a relationship, she says that developing a more secure attachment style involves awareness, emotional regulation, and consistent relational experiences. 

According to her, practical steps include:

• Identifying emotional triggers and noticing patterns in reactions to closeness or distance.

• Practising clear communication of needs rather than expecting partners to intuit them.

• Developing self-soothing skills to manage anxiety or emotional overwhelm before responding.

• Choosing relationships characterised by consistency, reliability, and emotional responsiveness.

• Engaging in therapy or relational support to explore patterns and build healthier emotional responses.

She concludes that security develops not through perfection, but through repeated experiences of emotional safety, repair after conflict, and learning to trust both oneself and others.