Is Low Emotional Intelligence the Cause of Your Withering Relationship?

Falling in love, in theory, feels like a story to tell for generations. Like a fairytale turned reality, it makes your toes curl, makes you feel butterflies in the pit of your stomach, and you start to see everything through those rose-tinted glasses that you have been treasuring for the longest time. But while love is, indeed, all things magical, there is so much more to it than just falling for a person who feels nice to you. It takes more than just liking a person to stay in love. Being in love means knowing each other exceptionally well, knowing their quirks, what they like and dislike and most importantly, how they view relationships, not just between you two but all the others and how they deal with them.

A person’s emotional intelligence plays a rather bigger role in ensuring a relationship stays healthy, and a couple stays in love. Dr Devanshi Desai, a UK-trained Counselling Psychologist and Couples Therapist, elaborates on how emotional intelligence often impacts the quality of romantic relationships and how it makes or breaks the foundation of a relationship.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

She shares that emotional intelligence in the context of romantic relationships, in simple terms, is the ability to understand and manage our own emotions and also recognise the emotions of others. “I mean, it is not just about feeling something, but about knowing why we feel that way and how we choose to respond.” According to her, it is about adapting to situations without letting emotions take complete control.

“When we look at romantic relationships, EI becomes even more relevant. If a partner has high emotional intelligence, that person is usually better prepared to deal with emotional situations that arise. I mean, relationships are not free from misunderstandings or emotional ups and downs.” She adds that someone with a strong EI can pause, reflect, and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. That ability, quite aptly, helps in preventing small issues from turning into larger conflicts.

She further highlights that EI is also closely connected with communication. When partners are emotionally aware, they express themselves more clearly and also pick up on subtle emotional cues. It also supports cooperation and makes conflict resolution more balanced and respectful.

“Recent research also supports this understanding. Studies exploring the link between emotional intelligence and personal relationships show that individuals with higher EI scores tend to demonstrate stronger empathic perspective taking, better self-monitoring in social situations, and stronger social skills. Interestingly, similar patterns are seen at the couple level as well. When both partners score higher on emotional intelligence, their marital satisfaction tends to be higher.”

The Influence of Emotional Intelligence on Relationships

So, how does emotional intelligence influence the way couples handle disagreements, repair after arguments, and rebuild trust? “See, EI very much influences and shapes the way couples deal with disagreements in a very practical manner.” She states that while conflict is inevitable in any relationship, what really matters is how the couple moves through it. So, when partners are emotionally aware, they are more likely to pause before reacting. “For instance, instead of yelling, shutting down, or saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment, the partner who has developed EI will take a breath and try to communicate what they are actually feeling. That simple shift prevents arguments from spiralling out of control.”

She adds that emotional intelligence also strengthens empathy between partners. “When you genuinely try to see a situation from your partner’s perspective, it changes the tone of the conversation itself. Your partner will also feel safer expressing themselves because they sense they are being understood, not judged.” That emotional safety creates space for openness, and openness naturally deepens intimacy.

Repair after arguments is another area, according to her, where EI plays a key role. Every couple disagrees, but the real difference lies in whether they can come back together afterwards. Emotionally intelligent partners are more willing to reflect on their part in the conflict, apologise sincerely, and reconnect. They focus on restoring the bond rather than winning the point.

“So overall, emotional intelligence influences how couples argue, how they repair, and how they rebuild trust. It allows both individuals to feel seen, heard, and supported, even during difficult moments.”

Emotional Intelligence and Intimacy

With that said, Devanshi sheds light on the role that emotional regulation plays in intimacy, vulnerability and emotional safety between partners. “Regulation, in simple terms, is the ability to manage your emotional responses rather than being controlled by them. But in close relationships, it goes beyond managing your own feelings. It also includes how you respond to your partner’s emotional state.” When someone is upset, anxious, or hurt, your response can either calm the situation or intensify it. In such situations, couples who learn to steady themselves and respond thoughtfully often create a more secure bond.

“This emotional regulation also plays a central role in intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional safety between partners.” She shares that when it is weak, misunderstandings tend to accumulate. Emotional distance grows quietly, tension builds, and the relationship can start to feel unbalanced.

Meanwhile, emotional safety naturally develops when partners consistently respond with empathy and control, even during difficult conversations. “I mean, vulnerability cannot exist in an environment where reactions are unpredictable or harsh. A person opens up only when they trust that their feelings will not be dismissed, mocked, or used against them later. Regulated and empathetic responses make that trust possible.”

Early Signs of High or Low Emotional Intelligence

So, are there subtle signs early in dating that indicate high or low emotional intelligence? “Yes, there are subtle signs early in dating that can hint at someone’s emotional intelligence. You just have to pay attention. For instance, how do they handle frustration? If they lash out easily or their emotional reactions feel extreme, that may point to difficulty regulating feelings. On the other hand, someone who can pause, reflect, and respond calmly shows stronger emotional awareness.”

She further adds that another sign is empathy. “Do they notice when you are upset, even without you spelling it out? Can they read your tone or facial expression? If someone consistently misses obvious emotional cues or dismisses feelings as unimportant, that can create distance over time.”

But what if a person misses these early signs but notices them later? Dr Devanshi ponders whether emotional intelligence can be developed over time in a relationship. She says that the first step is tuning in - asking yourself what exactly I am feeling right now, and why? Is it hurt, fear, disappointment, or frustration? Even noticing how emotions show up in your body can help. When you can name your emotional state clearly, you are less likely to project it onto your partner.

“From there, couples can practice simple but effective steps. Pausing before reacting during tense moments creates space for better choices. Active listening is another important practice.”

Regular emotional check-ins can also strengthen EI. These do not have to be intense discussions. Sometimes your partner does not need advice or a solution. They just need to feel heard. Honest conversations about how each of you is doing emotionally can prevent small issues from accumulating. Repair is equally important. Disagreements will happen. The key is not to let ego or silence stretch the distance. Small efforts to reconnect after conflict rebuild safety and trust.

Low Emotional Intelligence and Relationships

“In my clinical experience, when emotional intelligence is low in a relationship, the first thing that gets affected is the very purpose of the bond. I mean, the connection that once felt clear and stable can slowly start feeling confusing and disconnected. Partners may still be together, but emotionally they are not really aligned.”

She highlights that when EI is not strong enough, small issues rarely stay small. Little misunderstandings are left hanging, frustrations sit there unspoken, and slowly they start stacking up. A conversation that could have been sorted out in ten minutes somehow turns into a full-blown argument. The tone becomes harsher, patience runs thin, and instead of solving the issue, both people are busy proving their point.

In that space, defensiveness shows up very quickly. Even neutral feedback can sound like criticism. “You can almost see it happening - the other person is not really listening, they are just waiting to jump in and justify themselves. Feelings get downplayed or brushed aside, as if they are an overreaction. And during tense moments, one partner may go silent and withdraw, while the other says things in anger that they later regret. Over time, this pattern itself becomes the real problem.”

When this keeps happening, she concludes, distance slowly creeps in. It is usually not one big problem that breaks things. It is the repeated inability to handle emotions in a steady way. Over time, that emotional gap becomes the actual issue behind most of the conflicts.